


The Quad's Guide To...

by Peskychloe



Series: Spinal Injury AU [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - British, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Major Character Injury, Permanent Injury, Spinal Injury
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-16
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-01-18 09:44:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12385683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Peskychloe/pseuds/Peskychloe
Summary: "I'm not going to pretend I can help you; not even if you're a gay quadriplegic teenager, our experiences aren't going to be exactly the same, and our personalities will be even more different.I'm intelligent, have low self-esteem, a childish sense of humour, and somehow a natural aptitude for computer programming."-This is the blog which Ennoshita decides to write after being encouraged by Akaashi.Akaashi edits every entry for him, and sometimes adds comments (which will appear in bold)





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> This isn't the sequel, but it was going to be until I decided on another storyline. So this will run alongside it instead, and be updated now and again.

My name is Chikara Ennoshita, and I'm nineteen years old. I'm also quadriplegic.

My friend Keiji recommended I started a blog, because people have so many misconceptions about being paralysed, and I always have trouble finding advice online on what really should be simple things. I'm a gay man, and you would not believe what you'll find if you search for 'anal sex when paralysed'; there's way more sites reassuring people that having anal sex won't paralyse you than there are sites telling you how to do it, or whether to bother.

Anyway, sorry, I can't believe I'm talking about anal sex in the second paragraph. At least that's weeded out anyone who can't handle the way I talk about things.

( **When I suggested you write a book, I definitely envisioned less use of the word anal on the first page, I have to admit.** )

I wasn't always quadriplegic. I broke my neck because I'm even worse at playing volleyball than I've always thought I am.

The hospital I recuperated in have never had anyone who broke their neck playing volleyball before, which is something I'm mildly embarrassed about, as well as strangely proud of. Sports where you're more likely to break your neck include rugby, diving, horse riding, or Grand Prix. Even then, the odds of breaking your neck are low, too low for it to be a valid reason to not do these things.

I tried to search online for the mathematical odds of breaking your neck, but Yuuji told me to stop because I was shouting at the screen. There are people out there who wanted to know if they could ask for euthanasia if they became paralysed. Let me tell you something; being paralysed is a lot better than being dead, no matter how bad you think being paralysed is.

You get used to being paralysed, but once you're dead, that's it.

For a start, being completely paralysed is actually really rare. Breaking your neck isn't what causes paralysis; it's only if the spinal column is severed by the broken bone, and even then it's hardly ever completely cut. The spinal column is really important, if you didn't already realise, and the body does a pretty good job of protecting it.

Researching spinal cord injury always makes me realise just how unlucky I was to break my neck running into a wall, but also how lucky I was not to be killed.

Then again, I have a friend who's received hundreds of powerful serves, including some from the legendary Tooru Oikawa, and his arms have been fine; then one day, he was putting on a seatbelt during a driving lesson, and dislocated his shoulder. Put him out of commission on the team for weeks.

I highly recommend you don't suggest people who are paralysed are better off dead in front of Yuuji, by the way. Most of the time, he's like a huge teddy bear, but he was almost arrested in Lancaster the other week.

He was on a night out with some new friends from his course, and the conversation turned to boyfriends and girlfriends back home. Long story short, someone referred to me as a cripple, and he punched them.

I don't recommend punching anyone, even if they use an ableist slur, and I told Yuuji I wouldn't be so understanding if he did it again. He reassured me the other bloke said it in a cruel way, not a harmlessly ignorant way, but he does tend to wear blinkers when I'm involved.

–

I just realised, I haven't explained who Yuuji even is. He's going to crop up a lot. You might have already guessed he's my boyfriend. I'm sure over the course of this blog, I'll talk more about how we met and about our relationship, but for now, all you need to know is the following.

  1. He is way _way_ out of my league. Ridiculously so. It's not even funny. He's like a model.

  2. He's unbelievably in love with me. Even more than I am with him. I have no idea why, but I'm not going to ask questions about it.

  3. He's really intelligent, and is studying sports science at Lancaster University, because he eventually wants to be a physiotherapist.

  4. He's in Lancaster, even though I live near Stoke Mandeville, because I'm going to study there myself next year, and he wanted to be near me.

  5. He's the biggest dork I've ever met in my life. He cries at the drop of a hat, and does and says amazingly idiotic things. For example, he won't eat mussels because using the empty shell of one to scoop out the flesh of another one seems cannibalistic to him.




  
  


( **I can confirm that Yuuji is the biggest sap I have ever met. He cried the other week because he watched a video of a baby elephant falling over and running to its mother. Then he skyped Koutarou and they both cried together about it for about half an hour.**

**However, I have also seen him loudly arguing for ten minutes with a woman in a supermarket because she asked him if Chikara wanted a carrier bag. He's a terrifying force of nature where Chikara is concerned.** )

–

I'm not going to pretend I can help you; not even if you're a gay quadriplegic teenager, our experiences aren't going to be exactly the same, and our personalities will be even more different.

I'm intelligent, have low self-esteem, a childish sense of humour, and somehow a natural aptitude for computer programming.

One misconception I find about paralysed people – no, fuck it, ALL disabled people – is that we're all more similar than non-disabled people are, just because we share one thing in common. The reality is, every person with cerebral palsy has different abilities, every person with paralysis has different levels of sensation, not every blind person sees in the same way.

Every single person is different from everyone else; we all know this, but somehow when it comes to disabilities, we suddenly forget that.

'You're not quadriplegic, you can move your arm!'

'Paralysed people can't use electric wheelchairs!'

'I know someone who broke his neck too! You should meet him, you might get on.'

Well, I hate to tell you, but –

'Quadriplegic means all four limbs are affected by paralysis, to whatever extent.'

'Yes we can, even without my limited arm movement, I could get a wheelchair I could control with my chin (but then I'd probably keep hitting myself in the face with the controls).'

'Probably not, there were plenty of other people on the ward with me who I didn't like, and I have plenty of friends already, thanks.'

So while I might not be able to help, what I am going to try and do is make you feel less alone, if you share any of these things with me, or if you know someone who does. There's more of us out here than people realise, and even though we don't all have to be friends, we can all support each other.

Feel free to comment and let me know if there's anything you'd like me to talk about, or if you have any questions, or even if you just need someone to vent at – I'm always here, literally some days, and I'll be sure to try my best for you.

  
  


( **Chikara is also incredibly modest. He's actually very good at giving advice, because he listens, considers things carefully, and is brutally honest.**

**If it wasn't for him, I never would have built up the confidence to ask out my boyfriend, who I now live with. Chikara is a wonderful friend.**

**That's the only reason I agree to edit this stuff for him, obviously. Not because he knows all my secrets and might accidentally tell you all on this blog if I don't read it first...** )

 


	2. Dating

Having a guide to dating on my blog seems ridiculous. I was terrible at dating before the accident, and I still am. Apparently severing your spinal column does not turn you into a smooth talker.

However, what I _am_ good at is being in love with Yuuji, mainly because it's actually very easy. Later posts about our relationship, I'm sure, will be much more useful than this one. We make each other happy and I'm pretty sure that's all that's required to be successful at something.

So, while I'm good at being Yuuji's boyfriend, I'm in no position to lecture anyone on how to go about getting yourself a partner while quadriplegic, since I just sort of acquired mine without much effort.

It all started the day after we went to the pub.

Before then, I had a crush on him. The first time I saw him, I thought he was gorgeous, and also I had no fucking chance with him. I mean, I'm not sure I can do him justice in descriptions without sounding like I'm exaggerating, and to be honest I probably am, because I'm still looking through the rose-tinted goggles of infatuation after 17 months.

Being gay means ignoring a lot of crushes, because the odds are against me choosing someone who is both also gay and attracted to meek nerds with terrible hair they can't do anything more interesting with. I found out Yuuji was not only into men (as well as women) but that he'd been, to put it politely, around the block a few times.

So I had unfortunately developed a crush on someone who not only could have anyone he wanted, but also _had_ everyone he wanted. Apparently had he had any interest in my type, he would have dragged me into the changing rooms when he first met me, as he did everyone else.

It seemed reasonable to ignore the feelings instead, but then I got talking to my friend Keiji one night about his obvious unrequited love for the captain of his volleyball team, and I admitted I was gay as well. After that, it was easy for us to forget about these strange, energetic idiots we'd both fallen for, and find solace in quiet, sleepy kisses behind trees every time we had training camp together.

Almost two years later, I broke my neck, and Yuuji came back into my life. Less brash, way more considerate than I expected, and about five hundred times more beautiful. By this time, however, I was immobile in a hospital bed, peeing into a tube, and needing to be fed; if he wasn't interested in me before, then there was absolutely no hope now.

Fast forward a few weeks later; I'm balls deep into a huge, debilitating crush I'm skilfully ignoring, and as a final humiliation, he's having to wipe my eyes and blow my nose for me because I'm crying about not being able to walk (as if it's only just occurred to me). Somehow, he's remembered a conversation where I said I wanted to eat a scotch egg, and to cheer me up, he's brought one to the hospital.

So of course, I choose this moment to try _flirting_.

Because who could resist a sniffling, snotty-faced man, licking eggy breadcrumbs off his lips?

(Apparently, not Yuuji, but we'll get to that later...)

After that, I couldn't ignore the enormity of it any more. I tried to, of course I tried to, because I still couldn't believe it could be possible. He was just being nice, he was a volunteer to start with after all, taking pity on someone his own age having the one thing they had in common taken away from him. I resigned myself to a lifetime of friendship with him, like it was a runner-up prize to be good friends with someone so special.

Every time he held my hand, even though I couldn't feel it, I could  _feel_ it; a connection, an intangible closeness. Each time I wanted him to do it, he just did it without me asking, and even now, I still don't know how he knows.

The first time he hugged me, that same link was there, but I felt even more of it, and it still wasn't enough. The crush had grown into a yearning of epic proportions, and it wasn't helped by him asking me out on a date.

Well, that's how I chose to view it anyway, out of desperation.

I nearly didn't go, but then he told me that story about giving himself fangs with a loofah, and he leant in so close to me, I almost  _almost_ kissed him, but then he moved too far away again, and I cursed both my hesitation and my broken neck.

Maybe that's why I drank a bit too fast, despite Mark's warnings, and ended up with a spinning head, and nearly everything I wanted when Yuuji took me outside. I say 'nearly' because he kissed me on my forehead instead of my mouth, and I wasn't sure if it was out of nerves, or because he just wanted to be friends, or he didn't think I felt the same; then by the time all those thoughts had cantered through my brain, all I'd said was his name, everyone was outside again, and the moment to develop our friendship was lost, for what I thought was forever.

So, finally, we're back at the day after the pub – I've never been very good at keeping stories short, and now I've got less able to do things on my own, I ramble even more when I'm writing – I got up in the morning, and asked Mark if I could have a chat with him about something. Mark was in the bed next to me at the hospital, and is also quadriplegic. We keep in touch now we're both out, but he lives a couple of hours away, so we don't get to see each other often.

'What's up?' he asked, once we were both in the day room. There were only about twenty minutes to go until visiting hours, and I knew once his girlfriend was there, all my courage would be gone.

'I was hoping you could give me some advice. About Yuuji.'

'Well, I'll try, but I'm  _very_ straight, so it just depends on what you need.'

'This isn't about that. It's about disabled stuff.'

He seemed to relax at this. 'Ah. That I can probably help with. Everything changes a bit after the accident, doesn't it?'

'Yeah.'

'It'll all get more comfortable again,' he said, 'And eventually it'll be just like it was before. He obviously doesn't mind.'

I wasn't listening as closely as I should have been. 'No, I guess not. I'm just not sure if he feels the same as me, you know?'

Mark elbowed me, scoffing a laugh. 'You're joking. He's still just as much in love with you as he ever was! That's obvious.'

Then he became uncharacteristically gentle, touching my shoulder with great care. He has more control than me, but still not very much, and I know how much effort it took him to touch me without poking me harshly by accident. That carefulness meant the world to me.

'You breaking your neck hasn't changed how he feels about you at all,' he carried on, 'And why should it? If he changed the way he felt just cause of your accident, I'd have something to say about it, anyway. He wouldn't be good enough for you if that bothered him.'

At this point, his phrasing eventually struck me. 'Sorry, can I just check. You think he's...attracted to me?'

'Of course he is! You're still the same person...'

'No, wait. I mean. Sorry, I'm confused. We didn't know each other before.'

The surprise was unmistakable. 'You didn't? So you started dating since your accident?'

'You think we're dating?'

'Well...yeah.' He laughed. 'Keiji asked me about this last night, and I thought you hadn't told him, so I tried to change the subject. God, I'm sorry, I just assumed.' He shook his head.

'What made you think we were?'

'To be fair to me, I'm not plucking this from thin air. You hold hands, and whisper to each other behind the curtain. You're obviously crazy about each other...'

'Hang on. You think he's into me?'

'You  _don't_ ?' He laughed again. 'How clueless are you? Even Elaine noticed, after she met you for about ten seconds. We both just assumed you'd been dating for ages.'

'No.'

At that moment, I realised perhaps there was hope for me yet. I still didn't know how to move things on, but I had someone older and more experienced who could help me, and in ten minutes his girlfriend would be here. I sped up my questioning.

'So, Mark. You've asked people out before. You have to help me.'

'I really don't think it's going to be that hard. You're practically there already, you just need a nudge. Next time he visits, take him somewhere quiet and talk to him.'

'But what if he...'

'He likes you! I can't spell it out any more.'

'But I've never...'

Mark's face got stern at this point. I think he could feel the impending visit stopping the conversation just as much as I could. 'Look. Whatever you're going to say, it doesn't matter. You like him, he likes you. You being young, or gay, or disabled, or whatever makes no fucking difference. Life's too damn short. We both could have been dead, you know that. We got a second chance. Don't fuck it up!'

His phone made a beeping noise, signalling midday and the start of visiting hours. I desperately wanted more guidance, but he was already smiling over my shoulder.

'Oh look! Elaine's here. And who's that she's found?'

He turned me round to face the door, and there was Yuuji, and that was that. I took him outside, and we ended up kissing.

I still don't really know how I managed it, but somehow this geeky, ordinary boy in a wheelchair bagged himself the handsome prince, almost by accident.

I found out, after a few weeks of dating him, that the day he knew he really liked me was that day when I attempted to flirt with him. Me licking my lips worked so well, in fact, that he had to go and masturbate in a toilet. I mean, who would have thought it?

I'm not suggesting for a minute that you emulate this approach; I think I'm pretty lucky that my particular brand of clueless coquetry seems to work on the person I've chosen in life. Then again, I've chosen a partner who thinks scotch eggs are a good present, and a loofah is suitable for washing your face, so who's to say who is the most clueless?

My point is, I may not have advice of my own, but Mark's should be good enough for any of you out there who don't know whether to go for it; nothing that you believe is wrong with you makes any fucking difference, and life is too damn short.

 


	3. Yuuji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Self-indulgent list making

Yeah, yeah. I know. This isn't really a chapter anyone else needs. This blog was meant to be a guide to things you might need help with, not me talking about my boyfriend. I'm not even bothering to send this to Keiji for editing.

If you'll allow me to be self-indulgent though, since he's just gone back to university after a visit, that would be splendid. I do have more helpful chapters planned; one on long distance relationships, and one on carers and another on hobbies. But for today, I want to talk about what I miss about him, little things I'd forgotten until he came back.

*

  1. His constant chatter




Yuuji talks _constantly_. I cannot overestimate how much he talks. He always tells people I talk a lot, but I think he doesn't realise how much he talks, because most of the time he doesn't even know he's doing it. It's a kind of running commentary; things most people think, he says aloud.

I always said that in another life he could have been a great hairdresser, because he can talk to anyone about anything. It's what made him such a good volunteer too.

He also talks to everything, animals and inanimate objects alike. Considering how much he said he disliked cats, he sure does chat to mine a lot, and they talk back to him. I love Siamese cats because they're so chatty, so maybe that's why I chose him.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard him walking around muttering, “Now where did I put you, you yellow bastards,” when he's looking for his trainers.

  1. His singing




Related to his chattering, obviously. If he can make a song for a situation, he will. It's _usually_ cute, unless I have a headache or it's one in the morning. My favourite one is one about the cat which rhymes tail, wail and pale. Mum likes the one about the laundry because she loved the film it's from as a youngster. Dad...doesn't really like any of them.

  1. His ludicrous clothes




I have no dress sense. At all. All my friends know this, it's a running joke, especially with Ryuu who knows a thing or two about fashion.

However...Yuuji thinks I _have_ got dress sense, in fact he thinks I'm _stylish._ This is just one more bit of evidence that Yuuji has the worst dress sense of anyone I've ever met, worse even than mine.

Somehow, though, he pulls it off. He loves a patterned shirt, which is fair enough, they're not all dreadful. Well. Some are much worse than others, let's say that. However, most people would have a 'feature' shirt, and then have everything else plain, not match it with a stupid jacket, loud socks and the aforementioned yellow trainers.

But you know what? He always looks fucking amazing anyway.

  1. The way his lip flattens when he laughs




Or his feet lift when he jumps in a game. Or the way he sticks his tongue out when he washes up. Or how his toes jiggle when he's reading. Or the way he chews the inside of his mouth when he's nervous. Or the way he sits with his knees under his chin when he feels self-conscious Or that smirk when he's going to say something he thinks is funny.

Yuuji constantly communicates; with his voice, with his clothes, with his whole body.

  1. His laugh




He has so many laughs, for every situation. When I read books on writing, they always said to steer clear of certain alternative words, because no one really does any of them. When people laugh, say they laugh, don't try and be clever and use other words.

But to say, “Yuuji laughed,” when talking about him, it says nothing. There's a myriad of different kinds of laugh. He sniggers, he guffaws, he snorts and huffs instead of laughing sometimes, he giggles (usually when I'm breathing on him). I swear I'd never heard a chuckle until I met him.

Plus, he laughs when he cums. I don't have experience with anyone else (except Keiji, who didn't laugh much, let alone when he came) but I've never seen anyone in a porn video laughing when they cum. There's a lot of grunting and panting, but no one ever laughs.

And when I say laugh, I don't mean a small giggle or chuckle, I mean laughing like you're watching a sitcom you love, or a John Mulaney stand-up, or a video of a cat falling off a table. It's punctuated with him asking me to stop, which I never do right away, because I know when he actually means it.

I hear that laugh, and I think to myself, “Yeah, job done. I did that.”

  1. That deep breathy moan when I kiss his neck




Speaking of which...I could have said I missed his cock. I was going to. But then I thought, no, I could cope without his cock. Honestly.

I couldn't cope without his lips, or his fingers dancing over my skin, tracing where his lips have been.

I couldn't cope without his neck or his nipples, because that's where he's sensitive, it's where the best sounds come out of his mouth (aside from his laugh) when I nibble him there. I like the gasp, but I really love when it deepens into that moan...it tugs at my chest. That moan is what makes me feel most like I'm turned on, the most like I used to when I got a hard-on.

  1. Having him to look at




Yuuji is stunning; I don't mean handsome or good-looking or sexy or whatever. I mean stunning like a work of art. I never get tired of looking at him. I often wonder if I ever will.

Nine times out of ten, he catches me looking at him, and he gets annoyed. But that other time, he smiles and calls me a handsome bastard.

I never get annoyed when I catch him looking at me. I'm glad he is, every fucking time, even when he pretends he isn't.

  1. Annoying him




Speaking of which, again...I miss annoying him, not just by looking at him. I'm not sure he gets more annoyed than other people, or if it's wrapped up in the constant narration of his life, but I seem to annoy him a lot. It never lasts long, and I can do the same thing twice and one time it annoys him and the next time he says he loves me.

Ways I've annoyed Yuuji while he's staying this weekend; looking at him, touching his arse when he walked past, touching his hand when he's not expecting it, making a loud slurping noise, blowing through my teeth, changing the channel too often, taking too small a bite of something, taking too big a bite of something, wanting a satsuma after he just sat down, drinking water.

  1. Watching him sleep




The one time Yuuji is quiet is when he's asleep. No one looks as peaceful as he does when he sleeps. It's the sleep of the just, the pure, of someone who's done their best for that day and deserves a good night's sleep.

Sometimes he has trouble getting to sleep because he's worked up about something, but I have a sure-fire way to get him to sleep; I run my nose across his cheek over and over again until his breathing gets heavier.

My favourite, though, is when he's asleep on the sofa with the cats. He never liked cats before, but now he curls up with them more than I do. Even Gunpowder, who basically hates all human beings, will sit on Yuuji's lap if he's sitting still for long enough (which doesn't often happen).

  1. The absence of me worrying about him




I guess I don't really miss this one, but it's one thing I thought about. When Yuuji isn't here, I worry about him. I don't tell him how much.

When you're relying on someone to do literally everything for you, it's probably best if you don't let them get into fights unless it's a matter of life or death. Over the summer, I had to stop Yuuji from fighting with people about a parking space, a carrier bag and a jacket potato.

I mean, it's heartwarming that he's so protective, but one day he'll piss off the wrong person. He's not _that_ strong.

I imagine one day he'll be hurt, for some stupid reason. Someone will have annoyed him, or he'll have said something out loud he shouldn't have.

But the fact is, the one thing I really worry about, is that he'll get hurt because of me.

*

For some reason, I thought this would help. But if possible, I feel even more sad. These nine months are going to be the absolute worst.


	4. Parents

The one thing we all have in common is that at some point in our lives, even if just at our conception or birth, we all had a parent. They might have moved away, or we might be estranged, or even sadly passed away, but, at least for now, human beings can't be created without another human being.

Whilst I don't always feel so, I'm lucky enough to still have both of mine around, and we do, for the most part, all get along. I ignore the things we don't agree on, if I can, for a quiet life.

As I get older, there was one thing becoming harder to ignore – their obvious disdain for my relationship. Mum insists it's never been disdain, but the things she used to say painted another picture.

Becoming paralysed at a young age is difficult. It's obviously difficult at any age, that was a stupid thing to say. Okay, so, becoming paralysed as a teenager going through puberty has its own added difficulties.

Burgeoning sexual awareness is a mystery to everyone – if you've been through it, think back. Now imagine all that _and_ you're coming to terms with not being able to move.

Yeah...

In all honestly, I think my parents would have been unsure of whoever I dated at eighteen, male or female, studious or sporty. What I think they struggle with most about Yuuji is his carefree attitude to life in general, and the fact that I have sex with him. The two things combine to give them an impression they don't seem to care for.

Before we started dating, they loved Yuuji – he was the kind and friendly volunteer, going to university, a “good boy” who kept me company in hospital. They were even fairly happy when we got together, until they realised us dating wasn't just the addition of chaste pecks on the cheek and holding hands to our friendship.

No parent likes to think of their children having sex, I'm sure, but then again most parents don't wash and dress their children. Most parents aren't asked to leave the house so they can have sex with their partner.

Seeing me covered in lovebites wasn't easy for Mum; realising I'm still a sexual being wasn't something their therapist addressed in their sessions at the spinal unit.

Dad ignored it. He told himself we didn't have sex, then that it was “a phase”. By the time Mum pleaded with him to take it seriously, it was beyond being any of their business.

They began treating Yuuji like the instigator; he “led me astray” and would lose interest in me. Presumably once the sex wasn't enough, he'd go. Trouble is, he stayed long beyond their expectations, and then they still had to deal with it. Would have been easier to accept it in the first place.

–

They really did do some damage; I started to worry he'd find what he “needed” in Lancaster, which eventually led to that threesome row at New Year.

We got back from the hotel, had our midnight kiss ninety minutes late, and then stayed up for two hours talking it all through. Dragging up long dead relationships, and suggesting things that make literally everyone uncomfortable, is a dick move, so much of that time was me apologising for starting it, punctuated with him apologising for getting angry once he understood where it had come from.

In the end, really all it should have been was:

"I don't want a threesome"

"Me neither"

Done

No way it should have taken two hours, but as I've said before, Yuuji talks a lot.

“Chikara, I will never want more than you. I may be young and foolish...”

“...And sexy...”

“That too. But...I don't know if you remember, but I gave you a ring, that one there,” he tapped it three times, one for each word, “And I didn't say _the word_ , you know the one. But I do want that, and I always have, and...”

“Okay, I get it. I think.”

“Fuck it!” He dropped to a knee at the side of the bed and grasped my hand. “Chikara Ennoshita, please _please_ marry me. Eventually. When you're ready.”

“We've alrea-”

“Dude! Please just say yes. To reassure me.”

It finally sunk in. He really did need reassurance, and we were both begging for it from each other in completely different ways.

I snorted at our situation, took a deep breath, and said, “Yes. I will marry you. Eventually.”

“Cool.”

–

That was the best row we've ever had, because it showed me that _yes_ he is what I want and need, and I finally started to believe how mutual it is. My parents view of “a fling” or “a bit of fun” had seeped into my brain and threatened everything.

I hadn't helped by keeping from them the full meaning of the ring he gave me – then again, I didn't tell them everything, because I could hardly believe it and didn't want to look like a fool when it turned out he didn't mean _that_ at all _._

Now that I finally believed it, the next step was broaching the subject with my parents; I was convinced, I just needed to convince them too. Until I was ready to live alone (i.e. with Yuuji) they had to be okay with my future, and meeting me halfway seemed to be the way to do that.

As my parents like meetings, I gathered them around the dining table again.

“First of all, I want to say thanks for being more understanding of my boundaries. All the role stuff I asked. You've been making a real effort.”

“Thank you,” Mum said, as Dad nodded silently.

“I wanted to discuss something else that's come up, if that's okay.”

Mum smiled encouragingly, but this time Dad stiffened. His shoulders drooped in relief when I reassured them I wasn't asking them to move out, but were up around his ears again with my next sentence.

“I'm going to give Yuuji a key to the house.”

It took a few seconds for either of them to speak. “Is that a good idea?”

“It's a key. I'm not getting a pet crocodile.”

“Don't be smart,” Dad said, the mood sharply dropping.

I took a deep breath. “This isn't me asking permission. I'm giving him a key and I'd like you to be okay with it. He's not moving in, it's more of...a gesture really.”

“Like the ring he gave you?” Mum asked, nodding at my left hand.

“No. The ring is...” I huffed and rolled my eyes. “Come on! What are rings usually for?”

“Marriage?” Dad scoffed. “At your age?”

“Yes. Is it so hard to believe he wants to marry me?”

Mum sat quietly, looking at her lap, a flush on her cheeks, as Dad carried on.

“He's going to cook and clean is he? Look after you when you're sick? Do you honestly think he's going to be happy being the main breadwinner as well as doing all that?” He shook his head. “Marriage is hard work. It's more than sex, Chikara. ”

“Jin,” my Mum said softly, touching his hand, “Stop.”

He looked up at her in surprise, clocking the tears in the corner of her eyes. “Love?”

“You're wrong. Yuuji's always asking to learn how to do things. Remember the hoist? You taught him how to use that, don't forget.”

Through my surprise, I spluttered, “She's right, Dad. Of course we have sex, but it's not everything. If it was, he wouldn't be with me. He's had a few months away, and he still says he wants to marry me. It's not going to change. I want you to understand that.”

I looked to Mum, who was nodding, wiping her eyes. When we both turned to Dad, hopefully, I knew I had at least one of them on my side.

–

So the next time he visited, I gave him his key.

Dad came around at the same time; I'm still not sure if it was something Mum said, or something Yuuji did. Maybe he just needed time to process everything.

Perhaps he figured a keyring was better than an engagement ring.


	5. Children - no wait... COMMUNICATION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick reminder - bold words are Akaashi adding his thoughts as he edits it

(Saturday)

Today I feel morose. I'm not often this way, which always surprises people. Like it makes more sense to be miserable all the time, when the only person who really has to deal with that is me, and whichever poor schmuck has been time-tabled to look after me that day.

So, no, usually I'm pretty laid back about everything. I get a bit frustrated at having to ask for things to be done all the time, which is partly why spending time with Yuuji is so pleasurable (he just knows, I don't even have to ask any more), but generally, I do my homework, or I do some programming, or I watch a film. Yuuji visits and we go out for dates, and we come home and cuddle in my bed, and life is pretty fucking sweet to be honest.

However, Yuuji is visiting this weekend, and it's not so sweet, because I'm having to deal with our future, and that's difficult.

Mark and Elaine are also visiting for a week, we synchronised the visits on purpose. They're not staying here, there's not enough room, so they're staying in the budget hotel just down the road.

The reason there isn't enough room, is also the reason I'm dealing with difficult things, and that reason weighs about seventeen pounds and has to wear a flower on her head or everyone keeps asking if she's a boy.

I'm elated for Mark and Elaine that they had a baby, of course. They've been together a long time, and Mark told me in the hospital that she had a miscarriage a few months before his accident; this baby is a blessing, and seeing them with her makes me so happy for them. There's an even greater glow around Elaine, who was already literally the nicest person I've ever met and has become somehow even lovelier since she became a Mum. Mark is utterly wrapped around the finger of this tiny child after only six months, and on Thursday after we all spent the day together, I was happy for them.

On Friday, Yuuji arrived; Mark and Elaine spent the day visiting the hospital ward where we met, showing off little Annie, and I spent most of the day remembering how much I like the feeling of him curled around me.

God, I miss him so much when he's away. Nine months wasn't meant to feel so long. It's been five already and I keep trying to tell myself it's almost over, but then I see him again and it's all I can do to not beg him to leave university early. I try not to tell him how much I miss him, either, but sometimes it slips out, especially when he's – that's not what I planned to talk about. Moving on...

**(Oh, thank goodness for small mercies...)**

Today it's Saturday, and earlier on, we all had lunch at the house; I'm back lying down, everyone's gone home, and Yuuji has gone to see his parents for a while, so I decided to organise my feelings.

Yuuji spent the morning cooking some food with Mum, while Dad got me out of bed. He wasn't a particularly good cook before he went to University, but he's been learning a few simple things; because he knows how much Mark likes curry, he decided to treat us all to his vegetable dopiaza. I came through to the kitchen to see Yuuji and my Mum laughing through weepy eyes while they both chopped the onions, and I swear, my heart skipped a beat.

They were still cooking and laying the table when our visitors arrived, Annie snuggled against Mark's chest in a sling tied around him.

I'd never given any thought to whether Yuuji likes children, it's never come up. Neither of us have brothers or sisters and all his relatives live in Japan. It wasn't a surprise to see him run over and hug them both, or when he gave them all gifts, not just the baby; he's just that kind of person, loving and generous and enthusiastic.

What was a surprise was him immediately asking to hold the baby and then watching him cradle her reverently, cooing at her in his arms. He then took the sling from Mark (asking him first), planted her in it on his hip, and wandered over to the kitchen to chat to Mum again, pointing out things for Annie to look at.

Mark laughed, and Elaine said, 'Looks like we've lost her for the day then!' After that, the three of us sat in the living room area, while Dad brought us drinks, and Mum and Yuuji carried on preparing food, Annie giggling the whole time.

There was such a mix of emotions, I barely spoke, just listening to Mark describing the new accessible motorbike side-car he wanted to get, while Elaine told him there was absolutely no chance. They were laid-back, enjoying some peace from their usual parenting, but my mind was racing.

First, I felt guilty I hadn't asked to hold the baby, for what I hoped were obvious reasons. Mark held her, but that didn't mean I should, I don't have as much control, and I definitely don't want to hurt someone else's baby.

Then, I started getting annoyed that Yuuji wasn't spending time with me, which is ridiculous, especially after we spent the whole day together the day before. But, you know, I can't stop the way I feel, and I'm not too manly to admit I was jealous of a six month old.

Finally, and most devastatingly, I was now having to face up to the fact that my boyfriend likes children.

This might seem like a minor detail. It _might_ seem like an important detail to you, what with us both being men, but then you'd probably tell me about adoption and surrogates, and talk about how cute Neil Patrick Harris is with his family on Hallowe'en.

The huge problem with Yuuji liking children, is that he might want his own, and I do not. I never have. It's got nothing to do with me being gay or paralysed, I never wanted them before, and I definitely don't want them now.

They even asked me in the hospital if I wanted to freeze my sperm before I could no longer produce it, and I said no, without much thought. They made me wait a few days to think about it, but I still said no, citing the fact that I'm gay and if and when I ever wanted children, we'd use my partner's sperm. I didn't take it seriously, I just wanted them to stop talking about children, and I really _really_ wanted them to stop talking about freezing my sperm.

I'm sure you probably feel the same, reading this, Keiji.

**(Yes. For the love of all that is Bowie, please stop talking about your sperm)**

During a past conversation with Mark, he talked about how sad it made him that he might not be able to give Elaine the children she desired, how he might have missed his chance, and maybe she'd leave him, and I smiled and nodded in what I hoped looked like sympathy. Luckily, he _did_ freeze some sperm, and that's how they managed to have Annie.

It's not that I don't like children, I do, very much. I don't like babies and toddlers though, I like children who can hold a conversation, and my absolute favourite age is eleven to sixteen. It's the age most people seem to dislike, but I have an affinity with teenagers. When I was pre-pubescent, I was considered very grown-up for my age, and now I'm twenty, I'm often told I'm childish. Basically, I'm a perpetual thirteen year old.

My point is, I can talk to children, easily. What I can't do is talk _about_ them with my boyfriend, because I'm terrified to.

Because if he tells me he eventually does want children, what do I do?

I have to explain that I don't, and maybe it'll be like Mark feared with Elaine; he won't want me any more if I don't want children as well.

If he does say he wants children, I'm not going to be surprised. Seeing him with Annie was...astonishingly sweet if I'm honest. He has a natural way of speaking with people, of any age, which shouldn't be unexpected given all his volunteering.

After lunch, she sat on his knee, and he read her a book until she fell asleep in the crook of his arm. He looked so right, with a child, while the whole time I sat there, trying not to feel like a third wheel (I know, I know, it's irrational).

At that point, my mind ran away with itself, and it's unfortunately still absent. I'm holding him back, in so many ways, and I don't think it's right for me to do that any more.

 

**(I'm withholding judgement until I read the rest. But I'm quite frustrated with you right now.)**

–

 

(Sunday)

When I started this blog, I didn't really know the purpose of it. Keiji edited something I wrote, and told me to consider writing about my life. I laughed at him, as I'm only just twenty, and if the most interesting thing that's happened to me is becoming unable to walk, then who wants to read that?

So I chose a blog; I liked the idea of real time updating about my life instead, with some past stories thrown in for colour and context. I didn't expect I'd be giving relationship advice, of all things, but apparently that's where we are now.

If you're in a relationship, the absolute, number one, don't-fucking-ignore-this, piece of advice I can give you is this.

COMMUNICATE.

After upsetting myself yesterday, I dozed off. I try not to sleep because I'm lying down more often than I used to, but sometimes the bed is so comfortable, and it just happens.

I woke up to arms moving around me from behind, lips against the nape of my neck, and a breathy, 'Hi, honey, I'm home.'

My first thought was, He doesn't even live here yet, which led to my second thought of, What do I mean by _yet_?

'Can I pull the bed over?'

'I'm getting up in half an hour.'

'I don't care, I really want to hold you.' He nestled against my neck again, and really, how could I refuse?

'OK, get on with it then.'

And so he pulled over the bed, got in next to me, binding his limbs around me, and I had no idea how much I needed it until he did it. My head was lodged against his neck, being pushed into him with his hand, and I still wanted to be closer.

I will never _ever_ get tired of the way Yuuji smells. I don't know what it is, I'd never considered my sense of smell to be that important, until I lost my sense of touch. He's got a few different aftershaves, so it's not just that, even though it's part of the whole. Does skin have a smell? Is it just his sweat?

In that moment, entwined with him, I knew I couldn't be without him. I didn't want to have the conversation I planned to have, because I couldn't bear the idea that it would be the end of it, the end of this closeness I craved.

So, I decided to cry instead.

'Hey, what's wrong?'

I had a choice to make; was I a coward, and lied to keep him while I could, or did I take the leap?

Well, I hate to admit it, especially when I gave the advice earlier on about the importance of communicating, because I didn't do that. At all.

'Just having a bad day.'

'Want to talk about it?'

'Nah, it's nothing.' I started mouthing at his neck, hoping I could distract him.

Unfortunately, this wasn't one of the many times I can stop him asking questions with kissing. 'If you're crying, it's not nothing.' He held my cheeks, tilting my face so I was looking straight at him. 'Is it cause of the baby?'

I can't lie to him. And even if I could, he can always read my expression after all these months.

I moved my face from his hands, and spoke quietly into his skin. 'Yeah.'

'I think we should talk about this. I've been thinking about it since I went home.' He propped his chin on my head, and sighed heavily. 'If you want kids, there's ways you know. You don't have to give up, not yet.'

I'm not stupid. I know that was the perfect opening to talk about what I'd been worrying about. Apparently though, I _am_ that stupid, because I just said, 'I know.'

Then, he kissed me, and my heart just wasn't in it. I couldn't relax or lose myself in him, and after a couple of minutes, I was concentrating so little on what was going on, that I didn't really notice when he stopped.

'Sorry,' he said quietly, 'I probably shouldn't be kissing you like this when you're upset. I like making the most of our weekends together, that's all.' He stroked my hair off my face, kissed my forehead. 'I miss you so much in Lancaster. I can't wait until you're there with me.'

I couldn't take it any more, and something in my brain snapped. 'I don't want children. Ever.'

'Oh?'

'So, I think we need to...break up. '

'Why's that then?' He was still stroking my hair, which was unexpected, the smiling even more so.

'Because...you want them. Right?'

'Well, I wouldn't say no, but I'm not that bothered. I'm sort of. Urm. Children-agnostic, is that the right word?'

'Almost certainly not.'

'I mean, I always thought whoever I ended up with, I'd do what they wanted. I could see being a parent, or I could see having a load of dogs.' He grinned at me then; dogs versus cats is a long standing argument between the two of us.

'I'd prefer dogs to children,' I had to admit.

He pushed my shoulder, playfully. 'What the fuck? Is that what was really wrong? Dude, you need to be honest with me! I thought you were upset about not being able to have children.'

'It's not always easy to be honest though, is it?' It would have been easy to bring up the time he disappeared for two days because he didn't want to be honest, but it was so far in the past, it would have been unfair. As if to prove how much he'd changed, he said something which charmed and frightened me all at once.

'I don't know how many more times I have to tell you this, but I'll keep saying it until it sticks. I will do whatever you ask me to. Whether it's seeing some shitty French film or scratching your nose or having ten cats instead of children.'

I hadn't really stopped crying, and this made me start sniffling again. 'I'd never ask you to change what you wanted in the future...'

' _You_ are my future,' he interrupted me. He cupped my face in his hands, and looked at me with monumental sincerity. 'You make me the best version of myself, you make me laugh every day, you introduced me to a career I'm going to love. I literally can't imagine my life without you.'

Despite how my heart was exploding with joy, I felt a bit uncomfortable at this power he was giving me. It worried me that I might become manipulative, or force him into a life he didn't want, something he'd regret.

'Promise me you still won't do anything you really don't want to?'

'Obviously! I'm easy going, but I'm not a pushover. If there's something I really care about, I'll fight for it, but if I'm not bothered either way, I'd much rather go with what you want.' He kissed me and smiled. 'I'm never eating mussels, for example. And I don't want to watch any more Death Parade.'

'Not this again...'

'That theme tune is totally misleading! It sounds like it'll be a riot, and then there's people throwing darts at each other...'

I tried to silence him again by clamping my lips over his, for totally different reasons than before. This time it worked, and as I found his stud with my tongue, I have to say, I think he's more of a pushover than he thinks.

 

**(Chikara, will you ever realise what a wonderful person you are and how much you mean to him? I hope so.)**

 


	6. Friends

Hey! This is Yuuji. Chikara asked me to write a guest post. I've never really written anything before, and I bet I'm not much good at it, but I want to try! If it's important to him, then it's important to me.

I know you all know who I am, because most of his posts so far have been about me. Honestly, I don't want you all to think I'm the only thing in his life. It's that I cause him the most problems I think. I've suggested writing about something more useful than me, but he insists the advice he gives isn't something he'd been able to find.

Anyway, I'm here because he had his first request for a subject and wasn't sure how he could answer it himself. A regular reader asked;

“What I'm curious about is Chika's advice on friends/team mates interaction with him, uncomfortable, guilt, etc.”

Now, I didn't know Chikara that well before his accident. I honestly don't remember seeing him when we played against them, probably because he was on the bench, but I remember how I felt about going to visit him for the first time.

Mum had always warned me against breaking my neck as a child, she made it sound like the end of the world if I did, so when I heard someone my age had done just that, I was gutted for him. I honestly thought he was going to die, and even if I didn't remember him, obviously it was upsetting.

I think this was probably why it affected me so much, and why I wanted to visit. It felt like no one else was that bothered, but right away I knew it was bad. We'll come to everyone else later, anyway.

So...I don't know, the relief I felt when he wasn't dead was pretty overwhelming. That sounds ridiculous knowing him as I do now, but I expected life support machines, maybe an iron lung. He was wired up to things, but he didn't look to be on his deathbed. 

Then I found he could talk, and I can't say he was 'the same old Chika' cause I didn't know him, but he was friendly and funny, and eventually he could eat and drink, and...quite honestly, I forgot about the accident.

I have theories on this being easier for me than I expected, and possibly easier than for other people; I expected it to be worse, and was pleasantly surprised when it wasn't. I mean, I'm not happy Mum terrified me as a child, and I'm still annoyed she told me the seeds in peppers are poisonous, but I got over my fear of broken necks as soon as I had a conversation with him.

I think the other reason it was easier was my voluntary work; in the hospital and with the elderly, I had to deal with a lot of people who don't look or act 'normally' (for want of a better word), so I wasn't that fazed by Chikara, particularly as he was in a ward with loads of other people in the same predicament.

You know those online guides of how to do things? When I was looking around online when I realised I had feelings for Chikara, I found loads of guides to how to talk to people with disabilities. Sometimes they were useful, if the disability was one where it might matter more how you spoke to them – hearing difficulties, autism, you know, that kind of thing – but then there were guides on how to talk to someone in a wheelchair.

It never crossed my mind that I should bend down to talk to him. To me it seems like people see a wheelchair as an part of the person rather than an aid to them. You don't change how you talk to someone depending on whether you're in a car with them or standing next to them, do you?

I'm not saying there weren't times when I wondered how to treat him, but it wasn't fear of his wheelchair, only ever fear of my feelings for him, if they were returned, and the biggest fear, not wanting to hurt him.

I don't mean emotionally either. I believe the major obstacle to a physical relationship with someone with a disability is getting over the worry that you're going to break them somehow.

I'm a very physical person; I play sports, I like rough-housing with friends and I really like hugging. I worried a lot, at first, about crushing his bones, or accidentally breaking his leg or something in bed. It didn't take long to get over that, with encouragement from him, of course.

What about people who knew him before? Well, I asked around to get some views.

Out of all his old team mates, Hinata was the best at staying in touch after his accident. He'd visit him weekly, keep him up to date, and when he got out, he was happy to push him around. That little guy is a goddamn ball of sunshine and I know Chikara misses him.

Tanaka, always best friends with Chikara, struggled at first. Chikara told me he had been disappointed at the lack of contact, but they reconnected once he was out of hospital, and are just as close again. Tanaka told me (and made me promise not to tell Chikara) that he found it so hard because he blamed himself. For some reason, he thought he caused him to run into the wall, despite being nowhere near him. Chikara blames no one but himself, for the record.

Suga admits he didn't really know how to deal with Chikara's accident, and wouldn't visit unless Daichi was going. Daichi dealt with the whole thing pragmatically – he was the one who called the ambulance after the match – and Suga could only find the strength when he was there. I think it's because he was always the one at school who administered first aid or talked through things with Chikara, so he felt like he failed him that day. Now he's working at the school, he says he's used to it and doesn't really notice it any more, which is something I definitely agree with.

When I talked to Noya, he said he honestly couldn't remember how he felt on the actual day, it was all such a blur, but he remembers how shook up Asahi was, and he was happy about that cause he needed so much comforting. Having spent time with him and Chikara together, he's definitely using that as a deflection; he's gentle and kind and adores Chikara, I'm sure he was as shook up as Asahi was.

Akaashi, as I've said on more than once occasion, is terrifying, and I'm so glad he's looking out for Chikara (and he's on my side). Also, Bokuto is so amazing I'm convinced he hasn't actually noticed anything has changed about Chikara.

Finally, for anyone actually looking for advice, I asked Chikara how he liked people to talk to him.

“Basically, talk to me like you would anyone else.”

And how about, bending down to talk to you?

“Bending down makes me feel like I’m a child, I don’t really like that. In an ideal world, I'd like people to sit down next to me so I'm not straining my neck, but if there's no chair, squatting next to me is much better than bending down.”

I don't know if any of this is any help, but I do know one thing. Even if you're feeling discomfort, or guilt, or fear, it doesn't really matter; it's more important to not show any of that and have a conversation the same as you would with anyone else.


	7. Rimming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Yuuji, I guess?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read with caution. This is about rimming. 
> 
> Quick reminder - bold is Akaashi talking while he edits it

What I’m going to talk about today is a little delicate. I wouldn’t blame you for skipping past this entry. I wouldn’t have been interested, before I was injured.

Well. Maybe I would have been. A little.

Today I’m going to talk about rimming. This is your last warning.

**(Oh, Jesus.)**

Okay? Right.

My sexual experience was, being polite, incredibly minimal before my accident. I kissed five boys; Akaashi, Tanaka, Noya, Shirabu and Jonathon (that’s not his real name).

Of those, I only kissed two on more than one occasion, Akaashi being the most regular. We would spend time together at training camps, and I even went to Tokyo a couple of times. We spent a lot of time in his bedroom, fully clothed with him riding me, and we would both cum in our pants. He’s the only person I’ve cum in the same room as.

I fooled around with Shirabu after we beat his team, without me on it, and we were both miserable. We never spoke of it again.

Tanaka and Noya, independently of each other, were both determining if they were gay, and I was the only gay person they knew at the time. The results were that Tanaka was bi, and Noya is gay, if you’re interested. Or maybe I’m just a phenomenal kisser.

**(I’m...not sure how to answer)**

Jonathon was a friend from Junior School. He moved away the summer I was fifteen, so I went to stay with him. We spent a lot of time kissing in the shed at the bottom of his garden (he shared a room with his brother), but once I went home, he texted me to say that he didn’t see a future between us and maybe we should never see each other again. He seems to have a girlfriend now, sometimes he pops up on my Facebook (when I bother to log in).

I’m not ashamed to say I watched porn before and I still do now. I’m careful to make sure I use sites where no one is exploited and I’m incredibly pro sex work. In fact, since my accident, I’m even more pro sex work; I’ve talked to a lot of disabled people whose only comfort is in the arms of a sex worker.

I haven’t asked Yuuji how many people he slept with before me, because I’m afraid of the answer. Although it can’t be as bad as I’m imagining, as in my mind he’d slept with every volleyball player in the region except me.

**(Not _every_ player in the region. But I believe he fooled around with four of my team...)**

Really, it doesn’t matter. He says he loves me and it’s the best he’s ever had, I should believe him. It’s harder to believe him some days than others, but when he’s begging me to make him cum, it’s pretty easy to see it could be true.

My injury makes us creative; yes, maybe I can only really give him a blow job, but I can sit up or lie down, he can straddle me or use the sex shelf (I should patent that). One particularly exciting day, he hung my head off the edge of the bed and fucked my mouth relentlessly. We were both pretty senseless that day.

In my efforts to be creative, I continued to research possible ideas for further enjoyment. Not for me, for him.

It occurred to me the one place he never mentioned was his…and now here is the thing about that area. What do you even call it? I don’t like ass. Arse is somehow too vulgar. Sphincter or anus too clinical. Hole is a bit…clumsy? Bottom is childish. Bum is really for the cheeks, I think.

So, for ease, I’ll mainly go with asshole during this blog, if I need to name it. It's kind of ridiculous, but then again, so is sex.

So, Yuuji had never mentioned his asshole. He mentioned mine, when he suggested we try massaging my prostate - which is the most clinical way imaginable of talking about something so intimate - but never his own. I know he’s given and received anal sex, but I can’t bring myself to talk to him about that since I can’t give him the same thing.

Instead, I’d rather find something which is just ours.

My research started, as it often does, with me searching, ‘What does … feel like?’

Now. I have to be really careful when I'm using the internet, for a few reasons. The first is that I have to dictate everything, so I have to be careful who can hear me. The second is less obvious, and that is that if I forget to use a private window or clear my history, then my research terms turn up on autocomplete if someone else types for me. It's happened more than once with Kanoka; we just ignore it now, but it doesn't stop being mortifying every time we start typing blog and it's autocorrected to 'blow job'.

Anyway. Every website with advice about rimming basically says the same things; straight men being weird about having their asshole touched, gay or bisexual men telling them it's amazing and they should do it, women either loving it or saying they don't understand the fuss everyone makes about it, then women getting reminded they don't have a prostate, and _then_ being given the advice to try pegging their boyfriends. There's also a lot of talk about how it's taboo which makes it hotter, or how the feeling is very primal. My absolute favourite sentence was the advice to, “Dig in and get sloppy.” That doesn't sound revolting and put me off or anything. Obviously.

I did eventually find a lot of helpful information. The most useful was to have a couple of drinks to loosen up, treat it like the slightly ridiculous situation it is, and then have fun.

So that's what we did.

What was the point of this blogpost, then, if I found advice out there?

Well, because giving a rimjob when you're paralysed, in my opinion, needs extra advice. There was a lot of experimentation to get in the right position, and there was a whole lot more awkward conversation.

So here's my three pieces of advice for trying rimming when you're paralysed.

  1. You're going to have to have a very _very_ honest and open relationship with your partner. It's not easy to reach someone's asshole if you can't move. Positions which give you...access aren't available to you, and you can't spread their buttocks either. So you have to get them in a position over your face where you're not being suffocated, and you also have to ask them to spread their cheeks. It's not easy for me to even dictate that, imagine what it was like asking Yuuji to do it.

**(It's pretty hard to read it, too.)**

  2. Speaking of positions – the way we found to do it, without going through every position we tried, was for Yuuji to straddle my face, facing my feet. We had to drag me down the bed so my ankles were hanging off, otherwise there wasn't room for him to kneel.

  3. I highly recommend, if you can manage it, that you get your partner to jerk off with one hand while they hold their cheeks apart with the other; that feeling of their asshole flexing as they cum was at least half of the excitement and pleasure for me, because it's tangible evidence that you're making them feel _incredible_.




A couple of non-practical concerns. I'm just going to say it, I think if you've got this far you're going to be fine with this. The inside of an asshole more or less feels like a mouth, but tighter. As you might expect. It's warm and wet, but somehow it's silky. If you've never tried rimming your partner, I understand why not, but after doing it, it wasn't disgusting for me, and Yuuji was going crazy – so I totally recommend it, one hundred per cent, if you can bring yourself to try it.

Finally, I asked Yuuji if _he'd_ recommend it and if he had anything to add. He snorted with disbelief when I asked if he'd enjoyed it, and said, “What do you think?” and then came up with this classic piece of wisdom I'd like to finish with.

“Don't be worried about it being where poo comes from. 'Cause when you think about it, vomit comes from your mouth but everyone is fine with kissing and blow jobs.”

  


  


**(I can't decide if Yuuji is terrible or a genius, but this is the most convincing advice on the subject I've ever read.)**

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the Chikara POV which goes with the Yuuji POV of the actual act, which is the subject of this week’s chapter of 'Divided'

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to comment on things Ennoshita might write about, and I'll do my best.


End file.
